


Love, Hurt, Forgiveness

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-14
Updated: 2006-03-13
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:11:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8090497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Hoshi's POV on her relationship with Trip. (02/20/2003)





	1. Love

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Spoilers, 2.10 "Vanishing Point," 2.11 "Precious Cargo," 2.12 "The Catwalk," 2.13 "Dawn."  
  
Tucker/Sato established relationship. Although no date was given in the show for the events in 2.10 "Vanishing Point," for the purpose of this story I am using around 2nd September, Malcolm's birthday.  


* * *

I love him.

As I watch Trip mourn me I realise how much I love that man. We've only been dating for a few weeks although, for me at least, the attraction started virtually from our first meeting. How anyone can not like Trip Tucker defies logic, although talking of logic reminds me of his constant verbal duels with our resident Vulcan. T'Pol detests anything emotional and Trip can be as emotional as any human can be. Personally I think in her own way she envies humans the ability to express their feelings and for that I feel sorry for her.

Saying that as I observe Trip, I can see why emotions can be a curse. I wish he wouldn't blame himself for my 'death' for want of a better world. It wasn't his fault and if he had gone first, I would be mourning him and I don't think I could live with that. I chuckle a little at the irony of that thought. So if this is death, am I a ghost, destined to roam the hallways of the Enterprise for evermore, to watch the man I love tear himself apart with grief, guilt and remorse.

As I watch him I want to touch him, hold him but I can't, we had left everything too late. Too late to admit that we were attracted to each other, too late to act on it and now time has run out and all that's left are regrets. Regrets that I never told him how much I love him, that I never got to make love to him and show how much I wanted him. I knew Trip wanted to, well he's a man and most men want sex, but he was prepared to wait until we knew each other better, until we were used to our relationship. I was flattered but then again for all his flirtatious comments, he is a gentleman, and when you see through that outspoken brash veneer, he is quite shy and unsure of himself.

_Several Hours Later_

I check my appearance in the mirror in my quarters relieved that I can see my reflection. I'm still slightly unnerved by the events that had me trapped in the transporter buffer and I still can't believe it was for only 8 seconds but it has made me realise that life is too short and that you have to make things happen.

I smile as I look at the simple black dress that I had decided to wear to Malcolm's party, pleased that for once I can dress up for a date with Trip without the crew suspecting a thing, not too revealing but revealing enough. After being checked by Phlox and my long debriefing with Captain Archer and the senior staff, conscious throughout of Trip's concerned glances, I had been able to get to my quarters and shower. The ship had been thoroughly checked and scanned and no alien devices had been found. Now I wait for Trip to pick me up and I fully intend to enjoy my evening. Suddenly the chime distracts me from my musings and giving my appearance one last check, I go to the door.

The party had been wonderful and I had told Trip of all the things I hadn't put in the official report like our conversation in the gym and he grins at my response when he had suggested crawling into bed. Now we slowly walk back to my quarters hand in hand. When we reach the door I turn to face him.

"Do you want to come in?" I look into his eyes, hoping that I can convey my intentions to him.

"Are ya sure?" he asks, his eyes never leaving mine.

In response I reach up and gently kiss him, then after keying my access code lead him into the room. Once inside I wrap my arms around his neck.

"I know you said about waiting, but what happened to me made me realise that life is too short," I pause, my fingers absently stroking the short hair at his nape, "I love you Trip and I don't want to wait anymore."

"I love ya too Hosh, but I don't want t' rush ya..."

I silence him by putting a finger on his lips; he looks at me and then lowers his head to kiss me. As the kiss deepens I feel him reach for the zipper on my dress and I lean my body into his, feeling his erection. I break the kiss, removing my dress and kick off my shoes, looking up I see him staring at me I as I stand before him in my black lacy underwear.

"They ain't Starfleet issue," he says grinning as I grab his hand and pull him towards the bed. I unbutton his shirt, my fingers caressing his chest, as I remove it. He pushes me onto the bed and as I feel his weight on me, he kisses me. Our tongues duel and I roll him onto his back, sitting up to straddle his hips.

"You're still wearing too much."

I grin down at him and slowly unbuckle his belt, undoing the button and fly, slipping my hand inside to caress him; he groans and pulls me back down to him, rolling me onto my back. Just as suddenly he gets up and I realise I had closed my eyes. I open them and watch as he removes his boots, trousers and boxers and rejoins me on the bed. Soon my underwear has joined the pool of clothing on the floor and our hands and lips explore each other.

"Hoshi look at me," he says as I feel his fingers stroke me and I obey, sighing gently.

"I want you in me." I tell him breathlessly and for a moment feel bereft as he removes his fingers. He slowly enters me and I'm touched that he doesn't want to hurt me, but I'm impatient and grabbing his hips pull him fully inside me. We both gasp and he holds still while I adjust to his size. Soon he starts to slowly move his hips and I match his slow steady rhythm. I pull his head to mine and kiss him my tongue mimicking what his body is doing to me. As I break the kiss I wrap my legs around his waist, his penetration getting deeper and I hear him groan. "Harder." I gasp. Wordlessly he complies, almost pulling out of me before slamming back in. I feel my orgasm start to build and tighten my legs around him as he buries his face in my shoulder. I grip onto his shoulders, my nails breaking the skin as my world explodes; he follows shortly after, collapsing on top of me.

Later as he sleeps, I lay draped across his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart. I think of how my life has changed in the last twenty-four hours. I love Trip and I know he loves me and I know that for the first time in a long time everything is perfect.


	2. Hurt

I hate him.

As I sit in the cramp confines of the catwalks I realise that my perfect world has collapsed around me, the bastard, how could he be with her and then expect to come back into my bed. I've heard it said that with some men, it's the chase that keeps them interested. Once they have you and you give them what they want, they move onto the next woman. So is that what I am, another notch on his bedpost, another conquest to boast about. I can't believe that Trip is like that, I really thought he was different, I thought our first time together was special, I thought it meant as much to him as it did to me, but now I know that it meant nothing to him. Well Commander Charles Tucker III, I'm not just going to be around to keep your bed warm.

It wouldn't have been so bad if he had told me, confessed that he and that Kaitaama bitch had slept together, but he didn't. I had to hear it from Malcolm, hear that my boyfriend, my lover was 'rescued' standing in his underwear, with a half-naked woman and that it left nothing to the imagination what they had got up to. Malcolm like the rest of the crew doesn't know about our relationship and so when I had overheard him telling Travis, I'd asked him what he was talking about. He'd filled me in on what had happened on the planet and the 'intimate' scene that had greeted them. He had even made a joke about whether Trip would get pregnant this time. I should have known by the way he was staring at her that there was an attraction, I had even laughed at the time thinking his embarrassed expression was cute, amused that he had been caught drooling over another woman by his girlfriend. It seemed so harmless at the time, but how wrong could I be.

I confronted him a little while ago, just before our card game and he told me that Malcolm had got it all wrong, that it wasn't what it had looked like and that once the crisis with the storm was over we could talk. I didn't want to talk later, I wanted to sort this out now but knew he was right and so dropped the subject. The card game was tense and when Malcolm and Trip started to argue about the showers, I began to feel Trip was deliberately taking his frustration out on him, so I started to criticise the choice of film, in a way blaming Trip. He probably welcomed the distraction caused by the aliens and his summons to the 'bridge'.

So now I sit here, thinking about why it had gone wrong and how I could have been so stupid to believe that he wanted the same as me. Malcolm had told me that Trip had gone back to Engineering to check on something and although at this moment I hate him for hurting me, I pray that he is alright and returns safely.

A Few Days Later

The hot water cascading down my body feels wonderful and I relish the feeling of being clean. I smile to myself as I think of how the water supply on board is being depleted as everyone feels the need to wash away the grime and sweat of our days of confinement. Turning off the water and wrapping a towel around me I leave my small bathroom just as the door chime sounds. I know who it will be and grab a robe. Once it is secured I grant my visitor entrance and Trip walks in. He still looks grimy from our experience, and I realise that although I have been able to take advantage of a nice hot shower he has had to ensure that all bridge functions are as they should be.

"We need t' talk." he says, not making any attempt to embrace me. At my silence, he sighs, "I don't know what Malcolm told ya but I didn't have sex with Kaitaama."

"So what did happen?" I ask as I sit on the small couch, watching as he paces in front of me.

"We crashed on the planet and found a campsite. We argued as she expected me t' behave like one of her subjects and then she took a swing at me."

"I don't blame her." I say and the comment earns me a glare, which I ignore.

"I grabbed her arm and we fell int' the water, then..." his voice trails off and he stops pacing, looking directly at me, "...then she kissed me and I..." he looks down sheepishly, "...I kissed her back..."

"WHAT!!!!!" I get to my feet and he backs away from me. "YOU BASTARD!"

"Nothing else happened I swear."

"So why were you in your underwear?"

"My uniform was wet, so I had t' take it off. Then we used it as a decoy. When the Cap'n, T'Pol and Malcolm turned up I'd just taken on that alien guy...he tried to drown me."

I know the last part had been said to try and get some sympathy from me but I'm not going to give him that. "So you didn't sleep with her?"

"No...well....if you mean sex, then no.....but if ya mean did we sleep t'gether then yes." He looks startled at the anger and hurt in my eyes, "We had t' share body heat after getting wet."

"And to think I was about to believe you." Suddenly my hand comes up and I slap his face, he looks stunned. I step away and turn my back to him, wrapping my arms around myself. "Get out"

"But Hosh..."

"GET OUT!" I scream, turning to face him and as he turns to walk to the door he lowers his eyes. It's too late though and as he leaves my quarters and my life, I can't forget the tears and hurt I'd seen in his eyes.


	3. Forgiveness

I miss him.

It's been a couple of weeks since I told Trip to get out of my quarters and since that time we have barely seen or spoken to each other. I confess that I do miss his friendship and part of me wishes that we had never taken that step to become lovers. Everything is magnified when you enter a relationship, the love and the hurt and although the former is wonderful, the latter tears you apart. Now he is out there in a shuttlepod and I'm sure he jumped at the chance of this mission, so that he could be away from me. Maybe that's what we need, some time and space.

We can't leave things as they are though as our coolness towards each other will be noticed and then questions will be asked. So we need to talk and clear the air and try to return to the friends we used to be. Making my mind up to speak to him when he returns from testing the auto-pilot upgrades, I feel briefly better that, at least in my mind I've moved on and that Trip and I can still be friends...then my blood runs cold as I hear his frantic 'mayday' over the comm and suddenly I realise that I can't bear the thought of losing him.

I know his time is running out and I feel so helpless, so many moons and so little time and I feel grateful that no one knew of our relationship, as I couldn't bear the sympathetic glances. I dutifully sit at my post, as the Captain paces back and forth, my ears straining to hear the faintest signal from him, the smallest indication that the man I love is still alive, that he is safe and I realise then that I can never just have Trip Tucker in my life as a friend.

Several Hours Later

I hesitate as I reach the doors of sickbay, not sure how to explain my presence if the Captain should be there. I shake my head and realise how foolish I am and that I am only visiting an injured friend at the end of my shift. Taking a breath I walk in smiling. He is sitting up on one of the biobeds, Doctor Phlox fussing over him and I'm relieved that apart from the bruises and cuts on his face and the sunburn, he seems fine.

"Some people will do anything for a tan" I say and he glances at me, smiling gently and then winces as the movement causes his battered face to protest. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." He shrugs. "A little sore but I'll live."

We fall into an uncomfortable silence and Phlox sensing something is amiss takes the opportunity to excuse himself, claiming that one of his animals urgently needs attention. I sometimes think that he knows more about us than we know about ourselves and suspect that he is aware that Trip and I are more than friends. As he disappears and we are left alone I shyly look down, unsure what to say.

"Ya would have been proud of me Hosh, I was gettin' t' understand him." he says eagerly and I look at him, "Not sure if..."

"You could have died." I interrupt him and he looks away.

"I could have, but I didn't." He looks back at me, "Would it have mattered t' ya if I had?"

I'm shocked by his words and realise that as far as he knows I still hate him. I sit on the edge of the bed and take his hand, "God Trip, of course it would matter, what makes you think that it I wouldn't?"

"Well I thought ya hated me." He glances at our entwined fingers then back at me, "All the time I was down there I kept thinkin' of all the things I've seen and done since we left home and although some didn't turn out quite how I expected, I don't regret any of 'em...except hurtin' you."

"Trip...I..." my words are cut off as Phlox reappears, "...I'd better let the Doctor tend to those bruises, I'll see you later."

He looks as if he is about to say something but changes his mind and just nods as I leave and go to my quarters. Once there I lay on my bed trying to decide what I want from Trip. I thought I had made my mind up and was content with friendship but after he almost died I realised that I love him and I don't think I could be just his friend, although if that's all he wants from me I'll take it. My thoughts are interrupted by the comm.

"Phlox to Ensign Sato."

"Sato here?"

"I have discharged Commander Tucker and told him to rest in his quarters. that is if you wanted to continue your conversation?"

"I." I'm not sure what to say.

"I got the impression I had interrupted something rather important, so it's the least I can do." I hear the amusement in his voice.

"Thank you." I smile, even though I know he can't see me and break the connection.

Outside Trip's quarters all the confidence and joy I had felt at Phlox's news begins to leave me and I start to wonder if being there is such a good idea. Before I can change my mind, I ring the chime and after a few moments Trip opens the door, looking much better. Wordlessly he steps aside and I walk in.

He gestures to a chair and I sit, not quite knowing what to say now that we are completely alone. He seems to sense my unease and sits on the couch, opposite me.

"I meant t' thank ya for comin' t' see me earlier." he says shyly, before looking at the floor.

"I just had to make sure for myself that you were okay and." I decide that one of us has to start this otherwise we'll be going nowhere, ".I wanted to tell you I was sorry."

"What!?" His head snaps up and he looks at me puzzled. "What do you have t' be sorry for?"

"Slapping your face for a start and not believing you." I pause, wondering if I should reopen this wound, "When I heard that you had been rescued I was so happy and relieved. Then a few days later Malcolm said you and Kaitaama were half-naked when they found you and that he could guess what had gone on. I didn't want to believe that you had slept with her, but then I began to wonder why you hadn't told me about what had happened and I thought that Malcolm must have been right."

"Hoshi I won't pretend and tell ya that I wasn't tempted when she kissed me, and maybe I did get a little carried away with the kiss, but that's all it was and I swear t' ya that it never went further than that and as for not tellin' you..." he shrugged, "...I was going t' tell you but there never seemed t' be a right time and then we came across the storm and by that time it was too late and Malcolm had beat me t' it."

I think about what he had said and know that just before the storm he had been busy making the catwalk habitable and realise that we hadn't really seen much of each other at all during that time.

"So where does that leave us?" I ask

"That's up t' you." He looks at me and in that moment I see everything that he is feeling. "I'm sorry for what happened and I never wanted us t' stop seeing each other but if you don't want that and just want us to be friends, then I'll understand, but I do love you Hoshi."

I walk over to the sofa and sit next to him, turning his face to me, so that he can see into my eyes and know that I mean what I say.

I do love you Trip but I can't go back," I see the hurt in his eyes and as he is about to speak to me I place my finger on his lips, "but I do want us to start again."

The joy in his eyes tells me that he wants the same as me and his arms suddenly engulf me. I hear him sigh and his softly spoken 'Thank You' in my ear and then he releases me. We look at each other, smiling and then his smile fades as the mood turns more serious and we move in for a gentle kiss. The kiss starts deepen and I'm just beginning to loose myself in him, when he pulls away.

"As we're startin' again, maybe we should take things slowly." He says although I can see the desire in his eyes and am touched that he feels that I may not want to rush into the physical side of our relationship.

"Is that what you want?" I ask coyly, tracing my finger across his bottom lip.

"I'm too much of a gentleman t' tell a lady what I want." He grins at me, his arms pulling me closer.

"I suppose you'd better show me then." I smile as he moves in for the kiss, pushing me back onto the sofa as he begins to do just that.

Later as I watch him sleep, I think about what this man means to me. He had made love to me on the sofa, with such tenderness, as if he needed to prove to me that he does love me and that I'm the only woman he wants. I smile to myself as I recall how when we had moved to his bed, passion had taken over from tenderness and how he had collapsed sated onto me, whispering his love. Now I look at his face, peaceful in sleep and wonder how I could ever have considered a life without Trip. He may not be perfect and I daresay there will be other times when his eye is drawn to another alien woman but he completes me, and I can't imagine being without him.


End file.
